Version History v.1 Fruity Goodness 24/7 v.2 Benji-ful v.3 Duet v.4 Fucking's Greatest Hits v.5 Avenues and Alleyways v.6 Neon Ballroom v.7 Sphere Hunter v.8 The Umiyu Review Comments by YACCS.

5.03.2004 A love note to my friends. I'm at school in the computer lab. I like the quiet--all my friends have AP testing (english) and Randee, who didn't have AP testing today, went home sick. So I ended up eating lunch with Emily, who was nice and invited me to sit with her and her freshman buddies. I hesitate to refer to Emily, herself, as a freshman because she is such a mastermind that the title of freshman is belittling. So I abandoned, and now am quite by myself. I think that's what I needed, today. I feel really confused. About something that I won't transcribe. It really bothers me to think about things like this--ignorance is bliss, don't ask, just be happy how things are... But am I happy? I mean...even if I'm not, this is all I have. And if I say anything...I fuck things up. Lots of things. I hate thinking about how the things I do and say affect other people. Its one of those things that really upsets me...I never want to believe that what I do has any affect on others, and even when I try to tell myself otherwise it's hard for me to anticipate their reactions. It just doesn't compute, you know? Why does anyone else care what I say or do or feel? I think it relates to how Daniel says I'm bad at taking compliments. I can't believe the things people pay attention to...Why does any of that matter to anyone?! What is the point of a compliment, even a deserved one? If the compliment truly is deserved, chances are the recipient already knows...or maybe they don't care, or never bothered, or...compliments are so arbitrary. Why am I thinking about this? I hate being unsure. Yes, that's what I hate more than anything: second-guessing myself and other people. That's why I never go back and check my answers on tests...because I hate having that feeling like "what if I'm wrong?" I can't stand spending the rest or the period deliberating over one answer...I need that feeling of being sure of what I've written. I like to double-check things that are certain and believe certainty of things that aren't. And for quite a while now I've been second-guessing at things...and I just can't stand it. Even when I finally recieve the answer...I keep second-guessing. Maybe it wasn't the answer I wanted, or maybe I just have a hard time believeing that answer. When all the evidence gives you one message and you recieve another you can't help feeling decieved. I'm not sure whih answer I wanted then or currenty want, right now. I keep wavering. More second-guessing of my own feelings. I hate not knowing what I want. I can put my life in a box, isolated, look at it and say I'm happy. But if I keep looking outside the box for something better, something more, I'll never be truly happy... And...I think someone tore my box down... The sea is always bluer on the other side of the reef. S/T Taking Back Sunday, "You're So Last Summer"(in my head) she said don't don't let it go to your head. boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen... the truth is that you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt. and all i need to know is that i'm something you'll be missing. maybe i should hate you for this... never really did ever quite get that far... maybe i should hate you for this? never really did ever quite...get...that... 12:33 PM::